Giving Ourselves the Permission to be 3D, by Lia Mandelbaum, MSW

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Some of the questions I’ve been pushed to further explore lately revolve around what it would be like to live in a world where there is not such a tremendous amount of judgment and fear in giving ourselves the permission to have and feel our insecurities and vulnerabilities. I wonder what the world would be like if we felt safe enough to be transparent and show our vulnerabilities and insecurities to one another, and not hold them against each other and view them as a weakness and a defect in our character. It’s crazy to think about how many wars have been fought due to the insecurity and fear of being vulnerable by those who hold the most power.

Discovering Parallels Between the Human Experience and the Natural World by Lia Mandelbaum, MSW

"Look deep into nature and you will understand everything better" -Einstein

We often hear different religions, spiritual principles and philosophies, encouraging us to seek out the interconnectedness and oneness that always exists within the universe. Over the past few years, I have begun to recognize this “oneness” through the relationship between humanity and all of life within the natural world.  My imagination has helped me to discover how science, human emotions and spirituality all coincide. What is key to this process is having self-awareness, an understanding of human behavior, and being able to recognize how they are scientifically mirrored in the natural world.  

Parallels between family healing and birds

While on a vacation to my hometown, I went to go to a very meditative and reflective space along a sea wall overlooking the Tampa Bay.  Upon arrival, I was disappointed by how it was drizzling, gloomy, and the waves were incredibly choppy from the strong winds.  Although it was not the most ideal and serene space to be in, I felt that it was still important to find connection and beauty in what I was facing.  I realized that it could be symbolic of how with life in general, it is important to be able to have the faith and recognition of the intrinsic beauty within challenging situations and relationships.

As I was standing there I began to worry about a very polarized and emotionally charged situation in my family that I had been obsessing over.  I was very angry because I felt misunderstood and not seen.  I was ultimately very saddened by the situation and wished for peace and healing, but my ego and fear held me back from facing them and making amends.  I found myself demonizing them and treating them as “the other.”

While being reflective, there were pelicans struggling to fly as they battled against the wind currents, but I noticed how they would freely soar when they would swoop down and skim the surface of the extremely choppy waters.  I later came to discover how they would freely soar due to the wind field just above the waves, created by the eddies in the lee of wave crests. I realized a great metaphor was taking place.  Often times, similar to the pelicans battling the wind, we are battling a struggle within ourselves, but when we take the chance to face the choppy waters, whether that be ourselves, challenging situations or tumultuous relationships, there is a freedom that can occur as we soar and break the shackles of belief systems based in fear, anger and mistrust.

After I finally made amends with my family members, I had been invited to go to a birthday party with them, and we all caravanned there by taking the Pacific Coast Highway.  As we were caravanning, similar to how we were finally united and trailing behind one another, I saw a flock of birds traveling and soaring parallel to our cars.  It was incredibly symbolic to me.

Finding parallels between the human struggle and the Galaxy

When I made it to the birthday party with my family, I met another guest who is an incredible man in his 90’s, and not only survived the Holocaust, but prevailed through his incredible resilience and ability to transform the darkness and despair he was forced to experience into a life filled with light, love, purpose, gratitude and service to others.  He has an incredible story, and I decided it would be wonderful to interview him for a blog.

As Bernd and I sat in his living room that day, it became clear to me why I was so drawn to his energy. He is a perfect example of transforming darkness into light.

A short time later, as I began to go over my notes from Bernd’s interview, I happened to glimpse down at the cover of a copy of Astronomy Magazine.  I was drawn to a headline on the cover titled “Turning clouds of darkness into Stars of light” by Bruce Dorminey.  I instantly thought of my friend Bernd Simon.

I learned that there are places in our Galaxy that are so dark they actually appear to be nothing at all.  When the shadowy patches of clouds in the Milky Way were first seen through a telescope, astronomer’s actually thought that they were seeing holes in the fabric of space.  These dark clouds, called Bok Globules, are the coldest objects in the natural universe.  “Despite their apparent nothingness, these molecular clouds turn out to be exceedingly important: They are the places where stars are born.”

The connection was so clear to me.  It is often in the darkest of places, that you can find the brightest of lights.

* See image of Bok Globules at top of blog

The parallels between glaciers and having an open heart and mind

About a month ago my brother and I traveled to Alaska to go on an adventure and bond with one another. While staying in Seward we went on a boat tour of the Kenai Fjords National Park.  At one point the captain stopped the boat right next to a beautiful glacier, and everyone became quiet so that we could see and hear the falling ice plummet into the water and sound like thunder. 

As we were leaving the glacier, the captain of the boat mentioned something that caught my attention.  I found out that although glaciers emanate different shades of blue, there is more to the picture that does not meet the eye.  The ice is actually made up of crystals that act like prisms, however the ice is so dense that the white light is unable to pass through it and the blue wavelength ends up absorbing all of the other colors.  The blue is brightest when it is overcast. 

Similar to how a glacier is a dynamic being made of prisms, human beings are also very dynamic and colorful, but depending on how open our minds and hearts are determines the amount of light that is able to pass through us and what colors we reflect to the world.  Similar to how the blue wavelength overpowers all of the other colors, when people get a “case of the blues,” it can be overpowering and we can get lost in that darkness. 

Glaciers are usually wedged between two mountains and are made up of different layers of ice that have been compounded over time.  Similar to glaciers, our fears and rigid beliefs can compound us and make us feel stuck and frozen when engaging with life, and limits our capacity to see the big picture.  It takes us out of the present moment and closes us off from accessing all the dynamic and colorful parts of ourselves, and hampers our ability to welcome intimacy into our lives.

Similar to the thunderous falling of ice from the glaciers, I welcome the walls that I have built around me to continue to crack and come tumbling down, so that I may let in the light and let love run through me.

Einstein sums it up…

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

― Albert Einstein

May I continue to find mirrors and spiritual guidance through connecting with the natural world.  With open eyes I can discover how the parallels are endless.

From behind the scuba mask, by Lia Mandelbaum

Over the past few centuries, society has spent a great deal of time focusing in on discovering the magnificent wonders of life outside of oneself. Some of these wonders include the explorations of outer space, excavations deep into the earth, and exploring the rich inner space of the ocean. At this point in time, I strongly believe that for the betterment of society, there must be the commitment towards the journey of exploring and diving deep into our own inner worlds. This inward journey can help us to magnify our full presence as we engage within the world, and help us to discover the majestic universe within each of us. Although it is not easy, I have found the cliché to be true, of how the process of understanding how we are all an integral part of the divine, to be enlivening and fulfilling in a way that just looking outside of oneself does not.

From behind the scuba mask

When I was just a little kid, I used to love to put on a scuba mask and spend hours at a time just floating face down in our pool. Aside from the noise made by the pool filter, and the voice of my mother checking in on me to see if I was okay, there was a silence from fully immersing my head under water, which I loved and found to be incredibly soothing.

A few years ago, I made a piece of art from the perspective and angle of behind the scuba mask, and wanted to capture the headspace of silence and non-judgment I felt when floating under the water. This time however, I wasn’t just seeing the bottom of a pool on the opposite side of the glass, but rather an image and window into myself as I engage with the world.

On the opposite side of the glass

There was a sense of stillness from behind the scuba mask, however the view on the opposite side of the lens was an image of myself with the word fear written over my forehead. To relay my inner struggle, I inserted a tornado and lightening bolts coming from out of my mind and swirling above my head. I inserted words such as paranoia, resentment, anger, anxiety, and projection, blame and disconnect. It was a powerful experience for me to create an image of myself caught in a whirlwind of fear and relentless negative thoughts, but have the piece interpret myself from a non-judgmental perspective.

Trees and faces

I want to use the rest of this blog to focus in on the images I had placed directly behind me. There is a person with no face, and a tree that is just a green blob on top of a brown trunk with no details in the leaves or the bark of the tree. They are supposed to represent my observation of how when I am in that mental state of chaos, the lens in which I view the world lacks the ability to see the nuances in life. I believe these images are very relevant to most of society, and how we can get so caught up in the chatter of our minds and fears. We miss out on the blessing of getting to truly see others, as well as the deep beauty found in the physical and natural world.

Seeing the sunset

I can remember a time in my life when I would look out at some of the most extraordinary sunsets, yet I would feel nothing. Those moments were very depressing because it reminded me of how dead I felt inside. Today, I feel sunsets on an emotional, physical and spiritual realm. I am able to walk by and just gaze at a tree, and see its nuance, from the details of all the shapes and sizes of the leaves, to the very patterns and deep lines found in the bark. I love it when the sun is beaming directly over a tree, and illumines each individual leaf with a golden shimmer. Those moments remind me of how alive I feel today, and how my own self-awareness has helped me to connect to nature. When I walk by a tree, I can really feel the energy it omits, and the bond that is always there between people and nature. It is invigorating.

Everyone has a story

My mom has always told me, “everyone has a story,” and I have missed out on hearing far too many of them. I am continually learning to not be afraid to look into the eyes and souls of others, and risk the potential of them seeing my humanity as well. We live in a world where far too many people do not “see” one another.

Years ago, my inability to be present and look into the eyes of individuals who were different then me, and that I felt challenged by, was partially because of ignorance and insecurities, and the fear of having to face these hard truths about myself. I have come to find that the truth can truly set you free, and so regardless of how challenging it is sometimes to look deeper, I have dedicated my life towards pushing myself to see others as they truly are, and not what society or I have projected onto them.

Things are not black and white

I have learned that life at its essence is not the dichotomy that society always tries to frame it in, where things are just good and bad, right and wrong. It is often framed as a dichotomy when we feel threatened and don’t see the humanity in those who may not be like us, and/or challenge our belief systems. On my path towards wholeness, I have dedicated myself to opening my eyes to the nuances in life, and have the bravery to live in the grey. If we are open to it, we can find healing as we discover the beauty of how we are all interconnected when living from the place of the soul, rather then from a place of fear.

More then you previously perceived

Sometimes deep sadness can be the result of being unaware of or feeling disconnected from our own true nature. As you express unconditional love, you become more than you previously perceived yourself to be.

Such as how the leaves on a tree become illumined when the suns rays spread its golden light, we can illuminate our own souls when see ourselves through loving eyes, and as an integral part of the divine.

Drawing in the details

Right after I finished this blog, I felt inspired to go up to the perspective art piece I made years ago, and felt that it was time to draw on top of the glass with markers, the details of the leaves in the tree, and the details of the persons face. I crossed out the word fear on my forehead, and wrote in the word love, and drew a beating heart on my chest.

No Other, by Lia Mandelbaum, MSW

For my new years resolution, I have decided to be very intentional with transforming the ways of thinking that cause internal suffering.  An incredibly powerful avenue for me to break down suffering has been through being conscious of when I might be “othering” or “demonizing” another human being.  Demonizing “others” is often a coping mechanism for people when dealing with threatening situations.  When I demonize “others,” I feel spiritually disconnected, and I ultimately suffer.

Shame, by Lia Mandelbaum, MSW

This year marks the 100^th year since the birth of an African American man, who has been called the “lost prophet” and “invisible man” of the civil rights movement.  In the article Remembering Bayard Rustin at 100, by Matt Meyer, it relays how Rustin was a visionary thinker, grassroots organizer, tireless activist, charismatic speaker and a master strategist of social change. He was known as ''Mr. March-on-Washington,'' for his work as the lead organizer of the 1963 March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom. Rustin brilliantly strategized on how to mold Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. into an international symbol of peace and nonviolence, and by the late 1950s, had emerged as a key adviser to King. He taught King how to make Mahatmas Gandhi’s non-violence/non-cooperation protest techniques the centerpiece of the movement, which he successfully applied to the non-violent March on Washington.

As one of the most prolific leaders in the civil rights movement, Rustin was silenced, threatened, arrested, beaten, imprisoned, and removed from important leadership positions, mostly because he was an openly gay man in a fiercely homophobic era. Rustin was an object of suspicion to some leaders of the civil rights movement. Rivals and adversaries capitalized on the stigma and shame attached to homosexuality, making Rustin and fellow leaders vulnerable to attack. A rival black leader of King’s, Adam Clayton Powell, the minister-congressman from Harlem, threatened to float a lie that King was one of Rustin’s lovers if King didn’t exile him from his inner circle. For the sake of the movement, Rustin offered King his resignation, and in a panic, King accepted it and reluctantly pushed him away. During the beginning stages of strategizing the march on Washington, according to Congressmen John Lewis, “While some felt that there was nobody better then Rustin to lead the march on Washington, Roy Wilkins, as head of the NAACP felt that because Rustin was gay, he couldn’t be the person because it was embarrassing to the march, and it was embarrassing to the movement. The March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom, took place in Washington, D.C., on August 28, 1963. Attended by some 250,000 people, it was the largest demonstration ever seen in the nation's capital, and one of the first to have extensive television coverage.

“When an individual is protesting society's refusal to acknowledge his dignity as a human being, his very act of protest confers dignity on him.” ― Bayard Rustin

I try to respect a persons right to have their own opinions about homosexuality, however I am often baffled and upset (sometimes bitter) when I think about how Rustin was so demonized, and viewed as such a symbol of shame to some members of the very communities he fought for. Rustin was such a huge part of the mind, heart and soul of the civil rights movement, yet there were masses of people who just couldn’t get past the threat of what his sexuality represented to them. If you were to transport the person I had been eight years ago to the year of 1963, regardless of Rustin’s advocacy for the gay community, the shame I had over my sexuality may have made me one of the very people to demonize him. I believe Rustin’s story is a powerful example of how shame can impact our relationship to even the best of humanity, but ultimately with ourselves. We must try to understand how and why we can turn against even the angelic messengers within our lives. Amazingly and ironically, Rustin was never ashamed of his sexuality, and was openly gay during a time when the majority of people were not. I truly admire and respect Mr. Bayard Rustin, and believe he is a testimony of great resilience, brilliance and courage.

Shame is a soul eating emotion. – Carl Jung

Most people are unaware of how shame affects their personal lives, and is such a major driving force throughout societies around the globe. While Mr. Bayard Rustin’s story is a very powerful and poignant example of how shame has played out in our society, shame plays out in all sorts of shapes and sizes: Feeling ashamed within and outside of ones own community over the darkness of their skin tone; parents disowning their gay child out of the fear of being ostracized within their own community; the shame and hiding from when someone is trying to cover up how they are not a part of the “perfect family”; the shame a child carries into adulthood from having always been told that they are stupid and worthless; the shame and self-blame of victims of sexual abuse. Alyson Stack, a M.S. Marriage Family Therapist and Registered Intern, whose practice largely serves patients with food and body image issues, as well as addictive and compulsive behaviors, said “The shame created by engaging in eating disorder behavior is analogous to parasitic toxicity- it continues to eat you away.” Her words are applicable to all forms of shame. I firmly believe that there is nothing positive or productive about shame, especially for the people who have committed the most heinous of acts, because it keeps them stuck in old behaviors and unable to transcend their darkness. I think it is helpful to isolate shame as a single entity, and understand how its many different forms stem from the same beast.

In the book, Psychology of Shame: Theory and Treatment of Shame-Based Syndromes, Gershen Kaufman, a contemporary scholar on shame, goes over the splitting of the self that can occur with shame. Professor Kaufman, who works in the Counseling Center and Psychology Department at Michigan State University, said “Contempt turned against the self is the principle means by which splitting occurs. Splitting is actively maintained by negative identity scripts that have become so magnified that autonomous partial selves split off and then coexist within the same individual.” Kaufman’s words about the “splitting of the self” definitely spoke to my own journey towards wholeness. I have learned that it is incredibly important to understand the various ways of how shame is oppressive and socially constructed. Through gaining awareness about the roots of shame, someone can step back and not personalize their shame as much.

The world would be an incredibly different place without shame being so imbedded within most societies. We must give ourselves the permission to stop beating up ourselves and “others,” literally and figuratively, so that we may live in a more loving and peaceful world.    

Hidden Treasures, by Lia Mandelbaum, MSW

I never imagined that I would ever have the incredible honor of speaking on the same panel as Mohandas Gandhi’s grandson.