Giving Ourselves the Permission to be 3D, by Lia Mandelbaum, MSW

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Some of the questions I’ve been pushed to further explore lately revolve around what it would be like to live in a world where there is not such a tremendous amount of judgment and fear in giving ourselves the permission to have and feel our insecurities and vulnerabilities. I wonder what the world would be like if we felt safe enough to be transparent and show our vulnerabilities and insecurities to one another, and not hold them against each other and view them as a weakness and a defect in our character. It’s crazy to think about how many wars have been fought due to the insecurity and fear of being vulnerable by those who hold the most power.

A personal example of feeling insecure is in regards to something that came up with writing this blog. Even though I understand my strengths as a writer on an intellectual level, sometimes I don't recognize and feel those strengths in the core of my being. An insecurity that kept popping up for me had to do with knowing that I was writing to a reader base with people who have doctorate degrees. My negative self-talk led me to feel stuck and insecure about the direction and quality of my writing, and how it will be perceived. I felt vulnerable by putting myself out there while dealing with my insecurity.

Feeling insecure about writing to people with doctorate degrees does not make me an insecure person. It makes me a human being, who needs to explore and transcend her own feelings of inadequacy. I have learned how not denying my vulnerabilities and insecurities can be a very empowering and grounding experience. Taking ownership can bring a sense of security, clarity and a greater self-awareness.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.”

― Brené Brown

The power and sacredness of being in a safe space where our wounds and scars are showing, and where we allow ourselves to feel insecure, raw, and vulnerable holds the potential for profound growth. It is such a powerful and beautiful space where we are given the choice to be aware of and take ownership of our struggles. People go to extreme lengths to avoid this space and just stay in the dark, and end up being unaware of how much their issues drive and impact them. I can definitely relate. Being able to live within that sacred space came out of desperation.

About seven years ago I was forced to stop running in circles and truly face the parts of myself that I had been doing everything in my power to avoid. I was lost - I had failed out of my second college because I couldn’t just be still and focus on my work. It was devastating for me. I come from a family of people who have thrived in academia, which made me feel a lot of shame over being that family member who just couldn’t have a successful college experience. I can remember a moment while at the University of North Carolina at Asheville, where I was sitting in my dorm room and desperately trying to contact some friends to make plans with because I didn’t want to be alone with my feelings. I remember curling up in my bed and sobbing because nobody was available to help distract me from the pain that was constantly festering inside. It felt unbearable. When I had no choice but to truly face myself and feel, I became terrified by how deeply broken I felt. A lot of the “not so pretty” parts that had accumulated inside of me had developed as a result of struggling with my own insecurities and running from feeling vulnerable. The process of becoming fully self aware was definitely the most terrifying and challenging thing I’ve ever done. There were times when it felt unbearable.

I had made the choice to finally take the steps towards healing by getting involved in a therapeutic community in Culver City called Beit T’Shuvah. Although it has been branded as being a Jewish residential treatment center for addiction, people with all sorts of issues and religious backgrounds joined the program. We each had our own separate experiences that brought us into Beit T’Shuvah, but what we shared as we walked into their doors was feeling lost, a huge void, purposelessness, misunderstood, and hopefully the desperation to change. Things shifted for me when I forgave myself for the things in my past that I had felt ashamed over and embraced the idea of it being okay to be imperfect.

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

― Brené Brown

What I found to be the most healing at Beit T’Shuvah was being able to be a part of a therapeutic community where I could show my wounds and scars without being judged by my fellow residents. Similar to a cut that is constantly covered by a Band-Aid and not getting the air it needs to heal, I learned that people need to be able to expose their internal wounds before they can begin to heal. This exposure was welcomed in the community mostly without judgment and fear. We were all in the same boat of being desperate to experience a profound internal shift. As I faced and embraced the imperfect person that I am, the deep shame I had felt over my past no longer controlled me. I felt incredibly authentic and courageous, and proud of all that I had overcome.

Similar to the holding space that we strive to create with our clients during therapy, when a person can own all the parts of himself or herself amongst the presence of another, it helps the person to feel more alive and three-dimensional. It is easy to develop a heightened sense of insecurity and fragmented perception of oneself and the world when we are busy living in fear and feeling like we need to hide behind masks.

I would love to see the stigmas in our society surrounding insecurity and vulnerability transcended so that we may feel like we have the permission to just be real. This way we can feel less imprisoned by our fears, and gain the incredible sense of freedom one can experience by taking the risk of living from a place of authenticity.